Oh, College, You Harsh Mistress, You

The time: 5:28 AM, Wednesday, November 29
The place: My bedroom
The intended page length: 8
The current page length: 1.25
The due date: Wednesday, November 29 by midnight

Corey: 0
Term paper, first draft: 6,003,893.

On Gumption, or "Grow some fucking balls, jerkwad!"

I have been told in the past that I'm scary. I'm forward, opinionated, honest, smart, and, it must be admitted, impatient. That may all be true, but I used to not have the bravery to back it up. Both college in general and being in Japan helped me gain the personal strength I lacked to fully support those qualities.

So I asked a guy out last Thursday. I have had a little crush on him for a while, and I finally had a free Friday the next day. I saw him sitting alone at lunch, and decided I wouldn't get a better chance. I walked up to his table and struck a casual stance.

"Hey, how are you?"
"Doing okay, kinda tired. How are you."
"I'm okay. So... I don't supposed you'd like to go on a date tomorrow?"
"A what?"
"A date."
"A day?"
"No. A DATE."
"Oh. Sure. What did you have in mind?"

We commenced planning, and I walked back to my friends, cheerful because I'd gotten up the nerve to ask someone out and they'd said yes.

Later that afternoon, he came up to me in choir (he also sings) and said, "Hey, I'm really sorry, but I'm just totally blitzed this weekend with homework and a film festival I'm putting on. Could we do next Friday instead?"

"Sure, and there's a concert that day I want to go to. Really awesome music."
"Great, sounds good."

Things were fine. Or were they?

As the week progressed, he got more and more awkward. This set off some warning bells, but I figured, hey, it's kind of awkward to know you're going on a date with someone but you haven't gone yet.

Today, I went up to him after choir and said, "Hey, are we still on for tomorrow?"

"FUCK. Shit, I STILL have a lot of homework. I mean, I'm gonna be doing it on a FRIDAY."
"Uh. Okay. Listen, we don't have to go at all if you don't want to. That's cool."

He blinked, and then?

The motherfucker WALKED AWAY without answering.

I am sorry, but fuck that shit. Why the hell would you say yes if you weren't interested? How difficult is it to just say "Uh... no, I'm sorry, but I'm flattered that you asked."? Honestly. Or if he didn't want to, and just needed to cancel, why did he reschedule the date? And why did he walk away from me while I was giving him a perfectly good out?

Christ almighty. I did the hard part! I asked him out! Say no, I'm not gonna break. But don't lead me on and CERTAINLY don't walk away from me when I say something that pretty much requires a response.

God. Have a little fucking integrity.

I'm going back to women, I tell you. Not that they'll be any better, but I'm sick of men. Men are honest and straightforward while women are not? BULLSHIT.

On a Severe Lack of Motivation

It's 2:15 AM.

I have a large Japanese test tomorrow.

I also have a 400-character essay due tomorrow.

I also have some biology due tomorrow.

I have not started any of it.

I was never what you would call and excellent student. People who are able to just do work for long periods of time and get stuff done before the night before amaze me. I have never been good about getting things done. But lately it's been unreal. I would never have done this before. I never just.... didn't do work. But I just can't seem to make myself care very much.

Oh, I'll write that essay. Anything I have to turn in, I do. But I am not good at studying and I'm certainly not good at doing readings when they're due. I hope that it's just because it's my senior year and I've been doing school work for 10 years and I'm tired of it. I guess it's a good thing I'm not going directly to grad school.

Working in the lab is my only comfort. I really enjoy playing with squids, and being meticulous about my work there. It's real, there. It's not just because someone wants me to hand something in.

Some day I'll be a professor, and all my students will hate me because I won't get their tests back to them by any reasonable time period. But then I will get to call the shots, and it won't matter, so long as I'm good at teaching.

Sigh. Stay tuned for the first installment of The Squid Chronicles.